I looked at my own cervix.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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