last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Randomize
