lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
