The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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