you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Randomize