Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I just forgot I was standing up.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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