Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
