i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
