So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
