My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
bring money and cleavage
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
