there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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