Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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