I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
