I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
