I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
