shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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