I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize