Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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