I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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