After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
