I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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