they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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