Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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