I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
This is my gift to your gina
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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