can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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