Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
