I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
