this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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