also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
