imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
you didnt know i had herpes?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
