Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
