Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
