I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize