"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
