i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
