I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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