i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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