God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
