you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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