M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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