I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize