Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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