The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
