I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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