i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
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