Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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