dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
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