i wish there were pregnant emoticons
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
