dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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