Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
It's shark week go big or go home
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
