My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
