I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
