I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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