Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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