i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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