dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
