i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
