No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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