Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
