when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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